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1) Clark Kent now goes into a phone booth and comes out just wearing these.

2) Improves every Olympic lift by 45X - I can now squat 20,000 lbs. Truth.

3) These shorts are the world's first fully-functioning, NASA-approved boobie magnet.

4) If your father had worn the 'Mericas prior to your conception, you would have 14 identical twin brothers.

5) These babies are 10,000% made in the USA.