If board games were Indiana Jones movies, Settlers of Catan would be The Last Crusade.
And Raiders of the Lost Ark.
The one and only thing that could make it better, though?
Kenny Loggins beer.
Which's why we did what any upstanding internet entity would do (but weirdly no upstanding internet entity has ever done): we created a drinking game version of it.
Introducing the thing you’re now going to spend your entire weekend playing: SETTLERS OF BEERTAN.
Here’s how to DIY the board and play:
WHAT YOU NEED
Three 12-packs of three different beers + scissors + a pair of dice + something that can serve as The Robber (hello, Stormtrooper action figure) + a pen.
HOW TO BUILD THE BOARD
Cut out the rectangular sides of each of your three beer boxes, then cut the corners off of each of those to create the sweet hexagon shapes you see below. Once you’ve got all six hexagons, lay ‘em down in classic Settlers fashion, all connect-y like. Complete the board by making one last hexagon out of something random you’ve got lying around the house (Tiffani Amber Thiessen poster???) — this is your desert. Now grab a marker and write one of the following numbers on each your six not-desert pieces: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5, 4.
HOW TO PLAY
Get 4-6 guys together and pair up into 2-3 teams of two. (Whoa dude, you have so many friends!) Give each team seven beers: two of each of the three types of beer you bought, and a bonus seventh beer of any kind. OK, now each team needs to chug that bonus seventh beer.
That first empty beer can will serve as your first “settlement.” Cut out a little cardboard flag with your leftover beer box and stick it in there with a team name on it so you can tell your cans apart.
If you’ve played the actual Settlers board game you’re an American hero/you’ll get how settlements work — if you haven’t they work like this: you place your settlement (read: empty beer can) at one of the intersections of hexagons. If at any point your settlement is touching a hexagon with the same number written on it as is rolled on the dice, you’ll get to take a sip of the type of beer on that hexagon. (Example: your settlement touches the Bud Light with a six on it, a six is rolled, you now take a drink of one of your Bud Light cans!) If your can isn't touching the hexagon that corresponds to the number rolled, you do nothing.
The goal of Settlers of Beertan is to be the first team to drink all seven of the beers you start with, so where your settlement is placed is crucial — if your can is only touching Bud Light hexagons you’ll never be able to finish your Coors Light, and NOBODY wants that.
Ok, so now that each team has a can on the board you’re ready to roll. Teams take turns rolling, and remember: every team with a can touching the hexagon that corresponds to the number rolled takes one drink, regardless of which team is rolling (you can pick who on your team takes the drink).
If you have TWO cans touching that hexagon (more on how to get two cans later), you’d drink twice. Three cans, thrice. Etc.
After enough drinks, your team will eventually finish a can. When this happens you’ll do two things: 1) relentlessly mock the other team…
… and 2) take your new empty can and put it on the board as your SECOND settlement. Place it on another intersection of hexagons, and you’ll now have twice as many opportunities to drink. Do this with all future cans, too. (Don’t forget the flags.)
ALSO DON'T FORGET TO BREAK FOR PIZZA BAGEL BITES.
Alrighty, now a few curveballs:
The Robber: Place your Robber token (STORMTROOPER ACTION FIGURE!!!) on the desert to start the game. Now whenever a 7 is rolled, whichever team rolls it gets to place the robber on one of the hexagons. When the robber is on a hexagon, that hexagon is no longer active, meaning if it’s on the Bud Light with the 6 on it and someone rolls a 6, you don’t get to drink. The only way to get the Robber off that hexagon is to roll another 7. FYI: You can’t just leave the robber somewhere if you like where it’s at, if a 7 is rolled he has to move.
Doubles: Every time doubles are rolled, everyone drinks from whatever can they want in addition to whatever else they’re supposed to do based on the number rolled (i.e. if someone rolls two 3s, everyone takes a drink from whatever can they want, PLUS whoever has cans touching the Bud Light with the 6 on it takes a sip of Bud Light).
Winning: Really everyone's a winner when you play Settlers of Beertan, but more specifically it's that first team to finish all seven beers.
Now go forth and settle that Beertan, guys.
Throw me the idol,
I'll throw you the whip,
Grant "THIS BELONGS IN A MUSEUM" Marek