By Liz Newman
Hot tubs are to America what pizza is to Ninja Turtles: essential.
Which makes what you’re about to read maybe probably the most important thing on the entire Internet-webs.
Because this, my fellow U.S. of A.-ers, is THE AMERICAN HOT TUB BUCKET LIST.
It's comprised of 21 ‘cuzzis that’ve all earned your undivided tubbing attention, either because they come with their very own waterfall (wut) or because they’re the heart-shaped ones from Dumb and Dumber (wuuuuuuuut).
Asheville, North Carolina
This mountain lodge crushes the spa game, then uncrushes it, then RE-CRUSHES IT AGAIN with indoor and outdoor hot tubs surrounding what looks a little like a hot tub version of the Bat Cave.
There’s only one thing better than a hot tub, and that’s a ‘69 Cadillac DeVille THAT’S ALSO A DRIVE-ABLE HOT TUB.
Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania
The bad news: The Second Time Is Best Motel, aka where Dumb and Dumber’s Harry and Lloyd took a bubble bath together in a heart-shaped tub, is fictitious. The good news? The heart-shaped hot tubs still totally exist in this couples-only Poconos resort. (As do elevated champagne glass hot tubs. Yep. That.)
Yucca Valley, California
I mean, look at that. LOOK AT IT. Somehow the most incredible part of this desert oasis isn't the amazing 180 degree view of Joshua Tree National Park, Mt. San Jacinto, and Mt. Gorgonio, it's that you get all that for $190 a night.
Olympic Valley, California
A snow-surrounded hot tub at 8,200ft of elevation that has its own bar and is midway down the mountain so you can go for a 'cuzzi dip between runs? Alllllll the yeses.
Anywhere in the USA
This genius invention was birthed by the Dutch, who even more geniusly expanded it to the U.S. You've gotta buy one (or know a dude who has) to cross this one off the ol' bucket list, but c'mon -- it's a freaking hot tub that doubles as a boat. I'm not sure there's a better usage of $25K.
Palm Springs, California
When a spa has a name like “Buddha Lounge” you gotta assume it’s going to have a pretty tranquil atmosphere. And that's because IT DOES -- this hot tub in the middle of Shangri-la is surrounded by waterfalls, palm trees and chaise lounges. Then there’s the much larger outdoor version in the middle of the desert. Win-win.
For those of you who thought Ferris, Cam and Sloane snuck into a random neighbor’s jacuzzi to decompress following their day of Chicago antics -- if you did, you’re hardly alone -- this was in fact Sloane’s place of residence in the film (and "The Preminger House" in real life). The real family who owns this Brentwood home is the same one that owned it when this scene was shot, meaning if you want to take a dip in this bad boy, you’re going to have to either become BFFs with the people who live there or... be the Sausage King of Chicago.
Los Angeles, California
Let’s ignore the fact that this hot tub was diagnosed with high levels of the same bacteria that causes Legionnaires' disease, and remember that this is in fact a bucket list. And what’s a bucket list without Hef’s very famous, very promiscuous cove-style hot tub? Exactly.
New York, New York
Going to the movies in a hot tub is actually something you can do(/HAVE TO DO) thanks to Hot Tub Cinema, which plops inflatable tubs in front of projector screens and invites folks to BYOB in their bathing suits while they watch. Book your own private tub, or fly solo and get seated in one to soak it up with some new strangers. Either way, odds are good you’ll forget there’s even a movie screening.
Big Sur, California
Is it a hot tub, or a private, heated extension to the Pacific Ocean that also happens to conveniently house no wildlife? Technically it’s the first one, but given it’s also an infinity tub that looks out over the wide-open, equally as blue Pacific, it’s very easy to pretend it’s also the second.
Jackson Hole, Wyoming
Amangiri gives the old flipped bird to the snow-covered Teton and Snake River Mountain ranges by putting its jacuzzi outdoors (WHAT NOW, SNOWY MOUNTAINS?!?!?). Not because it has to (there’s plenty of room elsewhere), but because it can.
Beaver Creek, Colorado
This Colorado resort comes in EXTRA hot with -- count ‘em -- five different tubs in their “Water Sanctuary” spa. But the real winner is the one actually on a slope that doubles as a private cabana complete with bottle service. Pinkies up guys, pinkies up.
If this spa meant to make a hot tub that appears to have a beam of light from heaven shining down on you, then mission accomplished. Technically this beam of light is actually a warm waterfall shower cascading down on you, which is probably what heaven feels like anyway. So… close enough.
New York, New York
If Princess Jasmine was visiting New York, this would probably be the only place opulent enough for her and Aladdin and Carpet and Rajah and Genie and Abu and the Sultan to stay. The entire three-level place is about as blinged out as you can get with more than $1.5 million in actual crystal and jewels and an actual diamond waterfall, so it should be no wonder that the $25,000 per night suite also has private hot tub on the roof with nothing around you except the New York City skyline.
Canyon Point, Utah
Some resorts are worth mentioning twice when they have properties this sweet. The same family that gives you 360-degree Teton views with your hot tub also let’s you soak in a stone-lined heated pool in the middle of a Utah desert... that just happens to also be inside a 165 million-year-old Entrada sandstone rock.
Park City, Utah
Shut everything the hell out and just stare out at mountains outside the very large windows.
Duh, there's gotta be a Hawaiian hot tub on here, and DOUBLE-DUH, this guy tucked into a residential neighborhood above Kealekekua is the one, considering it's located inside of a Hawaiian hot tub-ery that feels like a secret hideaway aglow with tiki torches and thatched gazebos with roof portholes for stargazing.
Crested Butte, Colorado
Fun fact: this now fancy pants lodge in the middle of the Rocky Mountains was formerly a 19th Victorian brothel. It’s not anymore, but they still keep the sexiniess alive (legally!) with private chalets housing a private rooftop hot tub that comes with concierge service to pamper you like your name was Mary… Swanson? Samsonite? Samsonite!
This massive hot tub hangs crazily over the edge of a cruise ship that takes you from Florida to the Caribbean. Go ahead and read that sentence one more time.
Rooftop + Hot Tub + Little Cottonwood Canyon + There's A Bar Right Inside = Yeah buddy.
"It must be some kind of hot tub time machine share button..." - Nick
Playboy Mansion photo via Pay No Mind/Flickr; All other photos courtesy of locations listed.