For the uninitiated, my name is Dave The Accountant. The on-again, off-again accountant for Chubbies for the past few years.
I am writing to you today to let you know that I have cancelled — yes, CANCELLED — Julyber Monday. No, I am not a villain. I am not a monster. I am simply an arbiter of the financial arts, and the management at Chubbies has ignored my talents for far too long.
And now the chickens have come home to roost.
AND ROOST THEY WILL.
You see, I’m a dollars and cents kinda guy. They say facts don't lie. And i'm here to tell you the FACTS of this so-called “Julyber monday”. They can dress it up any way they want - use fancy words, funny gifs, viral videos and solo cup sculptures. But the facts remain. Simply put, giving away thousands of products for free will do irreparable damage to the financial stability of this organization, the likes of which hasn’t been seen the time The Founders went ahead and ordered a full Chipotle lunch for the ENTIRE office. Oh and they went ahead and added guac. Did they consult me? NO. I say again NO.
And now I am no longer able to watch these founders play it fast and loose with their fiscal responsibilities.
I’ve had meetings, I’ve posted memos, I’ve even staged a hunger strike in which I only ate TWO meals all day, but it appears that the powers that be are unwilling or unable to comprehend the ruination of the company they claim to care so much about. I don’t know how else to put it. If Chubbies manufactures a product, and then turns around and offers that product free of charge, to EVERYONE, there will be an irrevocable deficit, the likes of which I am determined not to have on my watch as a financial officer of this organization.
Let’s run through a little scenario. I make a product, it takes time, effort and dollars for me to procure said product. Then, I just go right ahead and give you that product FOR FREE. Would you call that a business? Or would you call that me just being a REALLY NICE GUY - AND THERE’S NO ROOM FOR NICE GUYS IN BUSINESS. Nay, friends, that is not a business - that is an unmitigated descent into unbridled madness.
You think it’s easy raising seven cats while I watch an American shorts company like Chubbies bleed themselves dry? I’ve got a family to feed, dammit.
Some of you may ask, “Why Dave? What about the gifts? What are you going to do with all those gifts?” I’ll tell you what I’m going to do - I’m going to return them and apply the funds toward updating our entire company to Microsoft Office 2016, which I’ve calculated will make us at least 4% more efficient in Q3. I am going to keep that flask for myself though, because that will be a great pencil holder for my favorite Ticonderoga.
So, as the Financial Hero at Chubbies - or the Young Alan Greenspan as I’m known around my condo — I HAVE TAKEN ACTION.
I have commandeered the Chubbies website for my own purposes to stop this calamity from taking place. A bit like Marty McFly, except without all that impractical and completely fictitious “time travel” BS. That movie was completely implausible, not too mention predictably unpredictable.
I’ve barricaded the doors here at Chubbies HQ and I’m in it for the long haul. I have enough frozen corn dogs to last me for the remainder of the fiscal year. For those of you who were hoping for some splendid festival of free gifts — to you I say SHAME. SHAAAAAME. If you could only see how hard I’m pressing down on my keys right now you would understand the force with which I say SHAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMME.
And for those of you who have been converted after having the utmost decency to read this letter. For those of you who truly care about Chubbies. For those of you with BRAINS - I’m sure you now understand why I am doing what I’m doing and how it truly is for the good of the company.
Over and out,
Dave The Accountant
“A penny saved is a penny earned.”
“And that is true.”
-Dave The Accountant ;)