Chubbies Slightly Above Average Superpower Smackdown
There's an age-old debate that's been ragin' on for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. It's severed friendships, caused hours of constipation, and probably spawned the creation of Magic the Gathering. Legend has it that the adoption of the Declaration of Independence by the Second Continental Congress was delayed by months because of it. What's this humanity-threatening deliberation that has caused so much strife, you ask? In a word, superpowers. Namely, the question - "If you could have only one, what would it be?"
Flight. Laser Beam Eyes. Invisibility. Our theory is that it's arguments over these classic examples of superheroism that put our economy in the dumps. How do you get sh*t done when you've got to spend 12 hours a day explaining the tensile strength benefits of Spiderman's web to everyone? We discovered that the fundamental flaw in all of these debates is that there aren't any drawbacks with these superpowers. I mean, hell, why not just have the "superpower" to do anything at any time you want? That's just silly.
So we went ahead and created our own set of Chubilities and put them in a winnner-take-all bracket that you, Chubster Nation, will control. 16 will enter, only 1 will emerge.
What's a Chubility? It's a bodacious ability that's pretty sweet, BUT has a downside that really makes you do the ol' pro-con analysis prior to voting. Let's just get to the damn thing already. Welcome to the Superpower Smackdown.
Round One Matchup Analysis
Matchup 1: The Wall Crusher vs. The First Date
1. The Wall Crusher
You have the ability to run through walls BUT every time you do you have to turn back and in your best Steve Urkel say "Did I do that?"
8. Can Pull First Date with Anyone
You can get a first date with anyone BUT you must take them to the most recent Nicolas Cage movie.
Matchup 2: World's Greatest Magician vs. Perma-Floor Seats
2. World's Greatest Magician
You are the greatest magician on the planet BUT during your grand finale you always pee your pants...badly.
7. Perma-Floor Seats
You get front row seats to all of your home team's games BUT you have to dress as the other team's mascot.
Matchup 3: Teleportation vs. Fart Commander
You can teleport anywhere on the planet BUT there's a 50% chance that you get kicked in the cojones by Secretariat immediately when you arrive.
6. Fart Commander
You can fart on command BUT each fart lasts 7 minutes 32 seconds.
Matchup 4: The Impressionist vs. Happy Gilmore
4. The Impressionist
The ability to perfectly impersonate anyone in the world BUT your non-impersonation voice is Gilbert Gottfried's.
5. The Happy Gilmore
You can bomb 450 yard drives BUT only when hitting from the ladies' tees.
Matchup 5: King of Rap vs. TBD by Chubster Nation Submission
1. King of Rap
You are the greatest rapper alive BUT only while rollerskating.
8. TBD by the Chubster Nation
See bracket below for more info, but here's the deal. On Monday we'll be taking your Chubility submissions on the Twitter for the chance to be featured in the Smackdown bracket.
Matchup 6: The Joe Dirt Effect vs. Wrestling Jesus
2. Grow a Mullet on Command
You can grow a mullet at will BUT the Rosie O'Donnell Show is the only thing that will play on your TV.
7. Wrestling Jesus:
You can execute any WWE wrestling move BUT every time you do you become a victim of identity theft.
Matchup 7: Animal Whisperer vs. Cheetah-like Speed
3. Animal Whisperer
You can communicate with animals BUT they all sound like Gilbert Gottfried.
6. Cheetah-like Speed
You are the fastest runner alive BUT your only other speed is super slow-mo.
Matchup 8: Slamming Dunk vs. Suck it Trebek
4. Slamming Dunk Like a Boss
Slamdunk a basketball from anywhere on the court BUT always shatter the backboard.
5. Suck It Trebek
You know the answer to every question on Jeopardy BUT every answer you give for the rest of your life must be in the form of a question.
You've seen the matchups, now it's time to do your part Chubster Nation. Check out the details for the Superpowers Smackdown, comin' at ya hot on Monday. Let's see what ya got.