By Marc Tausend
The one thing the BCS Championship and 24-hour CSPAN coverage have in common? They're both infinitely better when you add a drinking game.
And since the internet is already flooded with CSPAN drinking games (so flooded), we decided to hook you up with a little something we like to call the BCS Cham(pinot)ship Drinking Game.
Because beer drinking games clash with your sweet-ass turtleneck.
Read up on the rules below, and remember: this is supposed to be fun. Don't go full-Harbaugh and ruin everything.
- Take one pinot sip every time the announcers speculate on Nick Saban going to the NFL.
- Enjoy one pinot sip and cringe every time Nick Saban yells at someone. (NOTE: You may die.)
- Wistfully take one pinot sip during any clips featuring Keith Jackson. WHOA NELLIE!
- Do one pinot sip and a catcall when the camera lingers on OR keeps panning back to the hot girlfriend of one of the star players for either team.
- Drink one pinot sip for any crowd shot of idiot fans from either team in body paint. Both are equally possible.
- Take one pinot sip and make a dismissive hand wanking motion for any video montage highlighting the “tradition” of these two programs.
- Sip one pinot... sip for every sideline shot of an injured star player intently clapping for his team.
- Ponder what would be created if these two mascots (an elephant and a tiger) successfully mated. Then take a sip. Or two. Your call.
- One pinot sip for every Geico commercial. (NOTE: This may also kill you.)
- Take one pinot sip for every genuinely funny “This is SportsCenter” commercial.
- Partake in two pinky-up pinot sips and give an “AMEN!” every time Dabo Swinney mentions God in any pre-game, in-game, or post-game interviews.
- Enjoy two pinot sips if there’s a crowdshot of Russell Wilson while his girlfriend sings the national anthem.
- Do two pinot sips and an exaggerated eyeroll for any “SEC speed!” mention.
- Sample two pinot sips for lingering shots of an overly exuberant parent of a star player in the crowd. It will happen.
- Take two pinot sips and give a “YEEEE-HAW!” for any crowdshot of a drunken Clemson or Alabama fan in overalls. Again, both are equally possible.
- Any Bama fans in the crowd wearing a stupid houndstooth hat like Bear Bryant? Two sips of that pinot!
- Down two pinot sips and do jazz hands for video clips showing Dabo dancing in the locker room.
- Score-commercial-kickoff-commercial? Two pinot sips. Small ones, because you have to pace yourself for this since it’ll happen A LOT.
- Three pinot sips if Brent Musberger makes any allusions to the betting line or over/under in the game during the fourth quarter.
- Three pinot sips if the winning coach gets a Gatorade bath and glares menacingly at the guilty parties rather than actually enjoying the moment.
- Pinky up triple-sip if anyone gets tackled by a braid or dreadlock.
- Big gulp and check Twitter if at any point the announcers mention “Clemsoning”.
- Drink when the camera catches an exposed butt crack or belly roll on a lineman for either team. Maintain eye contact with said buttcrack or belly roll and continue drinking until they switch cameras. DON'T. LOOK. AWAY.
- Take a big boy swig and headbutt your coffee table if the announcers start talking about how tough the SEC is. Hope your coffee table isn’t glass.
- When the halftime show starts, rather than waste 20 minutes of your life, find an episode of Into the Badlands On Demand, gargle a mouthful of wine, and prepare to have your mind blown.
- Drink whatever you have left and kiss your loved ones if Nick Saban cracks a smile at any point during the game. Because this is surely the end of days.
- Game’s over. Still watching? Sip every time someone kisses the trophy during the ceremony. This should finish you off for the night.