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Welp. Yesterday got weird. Who knew Uncle Bill could do the entire Michael Jackson Thriller dance, by himself, while carrying a golden retriever and juggling empty whiskey bottles? Not me.
Fortunately, the classiest recovery day of the year is finally here: Black Tie Friday. You read that right. Instead of sending you out into the hordes of wild masses, we're bringing the party right to your couch. We've got three new styles of shorts that will guarantee your "Krumping Kris Krunkle" status is solid platinum through the holidays and new year.
Before we get to the goods, let's take a look at two bodacious additions to your normally programmed holiday funktacularness.
Future Thank You Card - Thank your mom, brother, or lady friend for getting you the shorts they haven't even gotten you yet. 60% of the time it works every time. They'll surely appreciate your considerate attitude and forward thinking nature.
Gift Cards - Received a future thank you card from your buddy Jimmy, but don't know what short to get him? We've got you covered with the Chubbies Gift Card. Yeah, it's that easy.
AND NOW, THE CLASSIEST SHORTS IN THE WORLD
We're kicking down the doors to your next thousand dinner parties with our classiest collections yet. We've got The Velvets and The Tuxedo Shorts coming at you like a dry martini during the last call of happy hour.
These are limited run shorts and we only have a select quantity for this holiday funk session.*
The Tuxedo Shorts will ship by 12/19 and arrive just in time for all of your New Year's Eve jam sessions.
The Velvets will ship by 12/13 and look mighty fine underneath the ol' Christmas tree.
A RIDICULOUS PICTOGRAM OF RAPFUSION AND CLASS
THE RAP UP
1.) 2 Chainz - I'm different 2.) R. Kelly - Ignition (Remix) 3.) Notorious B.I.G. - Hypnotize 4.) Jay-Z - Dirt Off Your Shoulder 5.) Kendrick Lamar - Swimming Pools (Drank) 6.) Notorious B.I.G. - Juicy 7.) Flo Rida ft. T-Pain - Low 8.) Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby 9.) Outkast - B.O.B. 10.) Drake - Hold on We're Going Home
HOLY SH*T, THAT'S NOT A HOLIDAY SURPRISE, IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
We said there were three styles coming at ya, and holy corncob pipe, we weren't kidding. Ol' St. Nick has been emailing us every day for the past year asking for a little love. Finally, he's getting some. Apparently it's not that bad in the North Pole this time of year.
The Santa Shorts have arrived just in time to elbow drop your office holiday parties into submission.
Santacon take notice. We're coming for you.
Santa parties. Period.
Happy Black Tie Friday.
Sky's out, Thigh's out, Andrew "The Legsecutioner" Zappala and the Chubsters